Concept 6: Styles of loving

The last concept that I’m going to talk about for the purpose of this blog is part of the chapter 11 in the book, which talks about committed romantic relationships. I found the idea that there are different styles of loving very interesting. I learned that people differ in how they experience and express love. In fact, there are three primary styles of loving: Eros, Storge, and Ludus (p.280). There are also three secondary styles of loving but I’m not going to discuss them. While Eros is a powerful and passionate style of love, Storge is basically based on friendship and compatibility. The other one, the Ludus, is playful love, while lovers see love as a game.

This means that not everyone see ``real love`` in the same manner. Some believe in love at first sights, and others think it grows gradually out of being friend and doing things together. Everyone’s style could fit into one of the six styles of loving, depending on some social factors such as how they see love, sex, friendship, etc. Just as the picture I choose: the heart is formed with different elements. People often look for people with the same love style as themselves for a relationship. Some of my class partners in my Interpersonal Communications course asked us different questions to discover in which category each of us was fitting into. According to the survey, my style of loving is Storge. To be honest, I really think it represents me!

Actually, I don’t really remember falling in love with my boyfriend. My love for him just grew gradually and I had more and more the feeling that we belonged to each other. He was one of my friends and I have developed a little something for him as we were doing things together. I feel really comfortable in my couple. It has been easy with him from the start! Personally, I don’t believe that love at first sight is possible. I think it may be just physical attractiveness. ``True love`` grows out of slowly developing attachments that lead to lasting commitment.

Here is an article called ``The Experience of «Being In Love» Is Not The Same For Everyone``, in which you could read more about the six styles of loving that I'm talking about, including the secondary styles! It's well summarized!

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/relationship-issues/love-styles.html

Concept 5: Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly

Now, I’m going to talk about conflict, particularly, about the way people express their disagreements to others. In fact, I am referring to the second principle of conflict, which is ``Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly`` (p.226). That concept explains that the overt conflict is out in the open and explicit; it exists when people express their differences in a straightforward manner. They can deal with their disagreements calmly or engage in a shouting match. On the other hand, covert conflict exists when people articulate their feelings about disagreements indirectly. There are two forms of covert conflicts: passive aggression, which is acting aggressively while denying it, and games, which are highly patterned interactions where the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a fake excuse is created for arguing.

The way I understand it is that expressing conflict overtly is when someone is very upfront about what he is upset about and makes it known. Although this manner can be abrasive, it can also be easier to deal with. Those who express conflict covertly internalize it, making it more difficult to point out what’s wrong and makes it difficult to find a solution.

Why I choose to talk about this concept is that I’ve experienced covert conflict many times with some of my friends, and I found it interesting to read more about it. I often recognized that people were expressing their anger or resentment indirectly, and I think this way of doing is very bad. I think it can be more hurting to know that, for example, someone is trying to set us up for a fall than to argue directly about our disagreements. I remember once that a friend of mine have asked to another friend, who isn’t a very good dancer, to be in the front of the stage during a dance show that we were performing into. She knew that her friend was going to forget the moves but she just wanted to make her fail… and that’s what happens! At the end of the performance, she told her how much she did wrong. Personally, I think it’s very rude and I prefer to deal with overt conflict because it’s more openhearted.

I found that video of Friends TV show in which the guy is arguing with his friends about the reason why they didn’t accept his flaw. At the beginning, they discuss very calmly, but at the end, they engage in a very intense and messy discussion while everybody is talking at the same time. They express their disagreement in a direct manner. It’s a funny example of overt conflict!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwavS1gWclU&feature=related

Concept 4: Autonomy/Connection

The first concept that I am going to talk about in the second section of my blog is part of the chapter 8 in the book, which develops about the communication climate. The concept that I am interested into is Autonomy/Connection. This is one of the three relational dialectics that have been identified by researchers. Relational dialectics are ``opposing forces, or tensions, that are normal in relationships`` (p. 200). As related in the book, the most central and continuous friction in most close relationships arises from the opposing needs for autonomy and connection. Basically, this concept explains that we all experience tension between the want to be independent, and the desire to be close to others in our relationships. Both autonomy and closeness are natural human needs; the idea is to conserve our individuality, and at the mean time, to nurture connections.

To me, this concept is the opposition between union and individuality. Humans need to keep an autonomous identity and to do have their own space. However, they are also looking for closeness with their partners, and to have joint interests. This tension is part of friendship as well as in romantic relationships, and is totally usual. To have a successful communication climate in our relationships, we have to be aware of this tension and to smartly deal with it. It’s important not to spend too much time together, neither to spend too much time apart to avoid the lack of commitment.

The Autonomy/Connection tension has captured my attention because it makes me think about one couple that I know well. One of my friends, Melissa, is a very independent girl. She likes to do her own thing, to have time for herself, and to hang out with her girlfriends. On the other hand, her boyfriend, Jonathan, is a true lover. He likes to feel connected with her partner. This tension was part of their couple and leads them to breakout because the two of them has different needs: Melissa felt suffocating, and Jonathan felt unloved. However, after having spent time on their own, they realized that this opposition was natural and that they could work on it. After having talk in depth about it, they came back together and learned to deal with their differences by finding the right balance. Today, they are a very happy couple!

This picture, I think, is a very good representation of that relational dialectic. The couple is separated by a wall, which can represent their individuality, but are also searching for getting close to one another.

I also found an article that explains why spending time apart can save relationships in the long run. Have a look at it, it’s interesting! =)

http://www.collegenews.com/index.php?/dating/connection_vs_autonomy_why_one_helps_the_other_7728/

Concept 3: Misunderstandings between gender speech communities

I learned more about the way men and women are socialized into some different understandings of how communication functions, and the way our communication differs a lot in practice. The third concept I'm going to talk about is the misunderstandings between gender speech communities, which is on page 111 in the book. Because women’s talk tend to be more expressive and focused on feelings, and men’s talk is more instrumental and competitive, misunderstandings often occur between the two genders.

I understood that, because they have been socialized in a different way, men and women don’t have the same view of communication, neither of creating relationships and build closeness. We had learned how we have to communicate and interpret communication when we were kids, mostly by playing totally different children’s games. Therefore, we have kind of opposite points of view when we discuss problems or listen to each other.

Me and my boyfriend often have misunderstandings when we have discussions. As a woman, I want him to show me that he is attentive and interested about what I’m talking about. However, he almost never shows me that he is listening carefully such as making listening noise. He just looks around or plays with something. That often makes me angry because I feel that he doesn’t pay attention to what I’m saying or doesn’t consider it important. This concept shows me that it probably doesn’t mean that he is not listening well. I can recall myself some moments when I wanted to have a conversation about our relationship and I said things like ``What happens?`` or ``Is there something wrong?``.  He doesn’t understand that it’s just a way for me to increase our intimacy and closeness. At that time, I though he was shy, but now I see that maybe he prefers to do some activities with me instead of talking about us.

When I think about that interesting concept, the movie called ``What women want`` comes to my mind. It tells the story of a male who gains the ability to hear what women are really thinking after he had an accident. The majority of the film follows the main character as he learns from his mind-reading skills, and grows from being an insensitive person to becoming one of the girls. For me, this romantic comedy represents in a funny way the gap between men and women’s communication and listening styles. As written on the cover: ``Finally...a man is listening``.

Therefore, the following article that I have found on a blog gives some ways men and women can improve on how they communicate with each other. For example, it says that girls should be more direct in their conversations and avoid taking a wordy route, and boys should mirror back to girls what they are saying to clarify their meanings. The comments made by girls and boys bellow the article are also very interesting.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Communicaton

Have a look at it!

Concept 2: Self-serving bias in interpretation

The second concept that I found interesting is part of the subjective process of explaining our perceptions in ways that make sense to us: interpretation. I learned that people make two common errors when they explain why something happened or why someone acts a certain way. The error that I am going to talk about is the self-serving bias that means a bias toward ourselves and our interest. This concept is on page 75 in the Julia T. Wood's book. It explains how people are inclined to attribute their misconduct results to outside forces that they can’t help, and all the good they do to their personal qualities and efforts.

The way I understand it is that our perception is frequently distorted because of our tendency to avoid taking responsibility for our negative actions and to claim that our success is due to the personal control we exerted. The spheres of my life that first come to my mind when I think of that concept are school, work and competitions. It’s totally true that when I have a failing grade, a bad comment on my work or a bad result when I compete with other people I tend to think that it’s because of external factors and to abdicate responsibility. However, after careful consideration, I usually change my mind and be more realistic about my failures because I realize that I can improve myself by knowing what I’ve done bad.

The fact that the self-serving bias is applicable to my personal life is not the only reason why I chose to talk about that topic. In fact, it’s also because I can easily recognize one of my friends through that behavior. I think she is the perfect prototype of that kind of error. Every time she doesn’t succeed as good as her expectations, she explicitly tells us that it’s not her fault because she has done her best and so on. I feel she just can’t admit her responsibility when she fails. That happens particularly at school. I have seen her many times reproaching the teacher for her grades or for a tricky question. That often makes me laugh a little bit. However, I think she is acting this way because she doesn't want to get herself hurt by accepting her defeats.

This next video is also good example of self-serving bias. It shows a girl that credits herself for the success of her oral presentation instead of external factors such has the qualities and abilities of her partners. It’s a bias toward herself and her interests. I think it is very representative of the reality.

For me, the self-serving bias error can be compared to being blind. We just want too serve our own interest without trying to look more closely to the situation and taking the blame for some bad actions that are under our personal control, or admit that others could have contribute to our wins. The picture reflects my idea.

Concept 1 : Particular others through direct definitions

Several concepts had picked up my attention in the book of Julia T. Wood. However, I had to choose only three of them. The first I selected is the concept of particular others on page 43. This concept reveals that the self starts from outside. As related in the theory, particular others are people who are significant to us and have influence on how we see ourselves. Family members are often those who communicate the most who and what we are. One way that they are influencing us is by direct definitions. Parents and individuals who matter use direct definitions when they tell us who we are by explicitly labeling us and our behaviors.

To me, this means that our personality is modeled by what significant people communicate to us. This has a huge impact on our self-esteem trough out our life. The self starts at birth and our parents are the first individuals with whom we interact; they are a cornerstone in our development. As a child, we learn what others value in us and this obviously shapes how we see ourselves and what we value in ourselves.

This concept is related to my personal life because my mom has been and continues to be a particular other that always enhance my self-esteem. When I was a young girl, she was always responding with enthusiasm to my accomplishments. She was always telling me some positive direct definitions such as ``you’re good`` or ``you’re smart`` and making me feel like I was special and cherished. At school, she was always encouraging me and rewarding me when I had good grades. That was a great gift to me because it’s clear that those positive responses have had an impact on how I perceive myself today. I know that I am smart and that I can do something good in my life.

In think that picture reflects the relation between me and my mom. The little girl is grabbing her mother’s hand that seems to guide her in her growth and to encourage her. This represents the importance of parents in the development of a child’s self-esteem.

I also found a song that can be related to the concept of direct definitions. Alanis Morissette’s song, ``Perfect`` explain that some people receive many negative messages throughout their childhood. Those messages can demolish their sense of self-worth. If a child doesn’t feel loved and respected, he will probably have low self-expectations that they will carry over into their adult life. The lyrics show some negative messages that a mom is telling to her children.

Sometimes is never quite enough

If you´re flawless, then you´ll win my love

Don´t forget to win first place

Don´t forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy

Try a little harder

You´ve got to measure up

And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up

How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up

With everything I do for you

The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl

You´ve gotta try a little harder

That simply wasn´t good enough

To make us proud

I´ll live through you

I´ll make you what I never was

If you´re the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I´m doing this for your own damn good

You´ll make up for what I blew

What´s the problem... why are you crying

Be a good boy

Push a little farther now

That wasn´t fast enough

To make us happy

We´ll love you just the way you are if you´re perfect