vendredi 15 octobre 2010

Concept 3: Misunderstandings between gender speech communities

I learned more about the way men and women are socialized into some different understandings of how communication functions, and the way our communication differs a lot in practice. The third concept I'm going to talk about is the misunderstandings between gender speech communities, which is on page 111 in the book. Because women’s talk tend to be more expressive and focused on feelings, and men’s talk is more instrumental and competitive, misunderstandings often occur between the two genders.

I understood that, because they have been socialized in a different way, men and women don’t have the same view of communication, neither of creating relationships and build closeness. We had learned how we have to communicate and interpret communication when we were kids, mostly by playing totally different children’s games. Therefore, we have kind of opposite points of view when we discuss problems or listen to each other.

Me and my boyfriend often have misunderstandings when we have discussions. As a woman, I want him to show me that he is attentive and interested about what I’m talking about. However, he almost never shows me that he is listening carefully such as making listening noise. He just looks around or plays with something. That often makes me angry because I feel that he doesn’t pay attention to what I’m saying or doesn’t consider it important. This concept shows me that it probably doesn’t mean that he is not listening well. I can recall myself some moments when I wanted to have a conversation about our relationship and I said things like ``What happens?`` or ``Is there something wrong?``.  He doesn’t understand that it’s just a way for me to increase our intimacy and closeness. At that time, I though he was shy, but now I see that maybe he prefers to do some activities with me instead of talking about us.

When I think about that interesting concept, the movie called ``What women want`` comes to my mind. It tells the story of a male who gains the ability to hear what women are really thinking after he had an accident. The majority of the film follows the main character as he learns from his mind-reading skills, and grows from being an insensitive person to becoming one of the girls. For me, this romantic comedy represents in a funny way the gap between men and women’s communication and listening styles. As written on the cover: ``Finally...a man is listening``.


Therefore, the following article that I have found on a blog gives some ways men and women can improve on how they communicate with each other. For example, it says that girls should be more direct in their conversations and avoid taking a wordy route, and boys should mirror back to girls what they are saying to clarify their meanings. The comments made by girls and boys bellow the article are also very interesting.

Have a look at it!


Concept 2: Self-serving bias in interpretation

The second concept that I found interesting is part of the subjective process of explaining our perceptions in ways that make sense to us: interpretation. I learned that people make two common errors when they explain why something happened or why someone acts a certain way. The error that I am going to talk about is the self-serving bias that means a bias toward ourselves and our interest. This concept is on page 75 in the Julia T. Wood's book. It explains how people are inclined to attribute their misconduct results to outside forces that they can’t help, and all the good they do to their personal qualities and efforts.

The way I understand it is that our perception is frequently distorted because of our tendency to avoid taking responsibility for our negative actions and to claim that our success is due to the personal control we exerted. The spheres of my life that first come to my mind when I think of that concept are school, work and competitions. It’s totally true that when I have a failing grade, a bad comment on my work or a bad result when I compete with other people I tend to think that it’s because of external factors and to abdicate responsibility. However, after careful consideration, I usually change my mind and be more realistic about my failures because I realize that I can improve myself by knowing what I’ve done bad.

The fact that the self-serving bias is applicable to my personal life is not the only reason why I chose to talk about that topic. In fact, it’s also because I can easily recognize one of my friends through that behavior. I think she is the perfect prototype of that kind of error. Every time she doesn’t succeed as good as her expectations, she explicitly tells us that it’s not her fault because she has done her best and so on. I feel she just can’t admit her responsibility when she fails. That happens particularly at school. I have seen her many times reproaching the teacher for her grades or for a tricky question. That often makes me laugh a little bit. However, I think she is acting this way because she doesn't want to get herself hurt by accepting her defeats.

This next video is also good example of self-serving bias. It shows a girl that credits herself for the success of her oral presentation instead of external factors such has the qualities and abilities of her partners. It’s a bias toward herself and her interests. I think it is very representative of the reality.




For me, the self-serving bias error can be compared to being blind. We just want too serve our own interest without trying to look more closely to the situation and taking the blame for some bad actions that are under our personal control, or admit that others could have contribute to our wins. The picture reflects my idea.

mardi 12 octobre 2010

Concept 1 : Particular others through direct definitions

Several concepts had picked up my attention in the book of Julia T. Wood. However, I had to choose only three of them. The first I selected is the concept of particular others on page 43. This concept reveals that the self starts from outside. As related in the theory, particular others are people who are significant to us and have influence on how we see ourselves. Family members are often those who communicate the most who and what we are. One way that they are influencing us is by direct definitions. Parents and individuals who matter use direct definitions when they tell us who we are by explicitly labeling us and our behaviors.

To me, this means that our personality is modeled by what significant people communicate to us. This has a huge impact on our self-esteem trough out our life. The self starts at birth and our parents are the first individuals with whom we interact; they are a cornerstone in our development. As a child, we learn what others value in us and this obviously shapes how we see ourselves and what we value in ourselves.

This concept is related to my personal life because my mom has been and continues to be a particular other that always enhance my self-esteem. When I was a young girl, she was always responding with enthusiasm to my accomplishments. She was always telling me some positive direct definitions such as ``you’re good`` or ``you’re smart`` and making me feel like I was special and cherished. At school, she was always encouraging me and rewarding me when I had good grades. That was a great gift to me because it’s clear that those positive responses have had an impact on how I perceive myself today. I know that I am smart and that I can do something good in my life.

In think that picture reflects the relation between me and my mom. The little girl is grabbing her mother’s hand that seems to guide her in her growth and to encourage her. This represents the importance of parents in the development of a child’s self-esteem.

I also found a song that can be related to the concept of direct definitions. Alanis Morissette’s song, ``Perfect`` explain that some people receive many negative messages throughout their childhood. Those messages can demolish their sense of self-worth. If a child doesn’t feel loved and respected, he will probably have low self-expectations that they will carry over into their adult life. The lyrics show some negative messages that a mom is telling to her children.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you´re flawless, then you´ll win my love
Don´t forget to win first place
Don´t forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You´ve got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You´ve gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn´t good enough
To make us proud
I´ll live through you
I´ll make you what I never was
If you´re the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I´m doing this for your own damn good
You´ll make up for what I blew
What´s the problem... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn´t fast enough
To make us happy
We´ll love you just the way you are if you´re perfect